[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
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Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Ape together strong
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said