@ashleycrem: I'm getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I've been to in the last week that's had "insufficient funds".
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@AtticusFinch79: [taking a walk with mom] Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream* Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you're adopted.
@notfaizzy: My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone's been thinking of me so much they're giving me a stroke!
@Marlebean: It's like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
@PiratedTweet: One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Samsung users are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.