I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
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*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then