I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
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I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
The photographer’s assistant
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.