I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
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Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Many hands make light work
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?