@Xoolun: I'm getting worried about this Ebola virus.
I mean, I've got Norton but.
@FatherWithTwins: Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who's Aquaman?
@russhigher: My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face!
I love Sharpie markers.
@imbrucetheshark: What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
@truegritrumble: PERSONAL TRAINER: How's your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It's been worse.
@JermHimselfish: My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.