@Xoolun: I'm getting worried about this Ebola virus.
I mean, I've got Norton but.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
@minnie_in_pink7: Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
@Reverend_Scott: COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They're tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
@pleatedjeans: [approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
@jwoodham: Don't listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They're just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn't anxious.