me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
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[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement