I’m giving up for Lent.
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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.