I’m giving up for Lent.
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.