“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
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99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Fidel Castro was alive?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50