I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
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A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no