First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
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me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.