I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
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What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I am HOWLING at this
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.