I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
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That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.