Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
You Might Also Like
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Punctuation Matters. Period.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊