I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
You Might Also Like
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom