@sageboggs: I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season
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@girlontapas: My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift... She seemed a little upset that I said she should've mailed it ahead of her visit.
@euanDroberts: And the Lord said to Peter "come forth and you will receive eternal life". But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
@WilliamAder: If your kid eats the chocolate bunny's feet first, "so it can't get away," that's your future serial killer right there.
@BuckyIsotope: Barbie's head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a "giant child" did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.