Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
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Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.