I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
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hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.