I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
You Might Also Like
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*