I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
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*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”