I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
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Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Worst perfume name ever.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.