@Midgetspar: I'm glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill ... because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
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@biggsmoke814: Where's Jesus when you need him. There's only 2 fish sticks left and I've got company coming.
@ThisLocalHater: [Therapist’s office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*
@mjkspeaks: [job interview] How did you lose your last job? "I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.