I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
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If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Alexa: *deep breath*
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”