I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!