@CheryeDavis: I'm glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
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@DrunksWithGuns: I am a man with convictions. Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
@Celestinelea90: Her: You know when you're craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead... Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.
@CodyJP9412: [Petco] INTERVIEWER: We're looking for a real cat person. ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk* INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@CakeThrottle: If you get robot arms don't get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
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