Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
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I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
the council will decide your fate
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15