I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I love it all
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation