“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
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*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
The human personality is made of five key elements
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.