@markydoodoo: I'm gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
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@sad_tree: She's marrying HIM?! TODAY?! *cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
@bridger_w: If someone acts shocked that you haven't read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, "Yeah, I heard it sucks"
@VeganZebra: [after putting a fake mustache on an elephant] FRIEND: You seen my elephant? ME: no FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has