@markydoodoo: I'm gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
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@KatieKatCubs: Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
@InternetHippo: GOD: Peter, you will be heaven’s bouncer ST PETER: What the hell, I don’t want— ST BERNARD (whispering): Shut up or he’ll make you a dog
@FattMernandez: I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls.
@EJGomez: "We can't hire you. We're trying to get more diverse" ME: But I'm Hispanic [A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit] ME: Aw man