I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
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Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
LOL
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.