@markydoodoo: I'm gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
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@DaddyJew: Dentist: have you been flossing? [ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ] Me: yes
@zachheltzel: Everything doesn't "happen for a reason." The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.
@LoveYoorFate: It's like my Uncle said, no body, no crime Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was...
@causticbob: I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way. I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.