I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
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5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Not today.. 😂
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”