@SamGrittner: I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
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@mydaughtersarmy: The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
@hrtbps: Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler? Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.
@simoncholland: A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.
@ericsshadow: It's funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was "too much of a prude" is now a Catholic school teacher.