@SamGrittner: I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
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@bigmacher: #MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her 'Wife'
@whereami18: A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
@VeganZebra: [after putting a fake mustache on an elephant] FRIEND: You seen my elephant? ME: no FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has