I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
You Might Also Like
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress