“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
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Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat