@RhinoUR: I'm Godzilla's gift to women!!!
*walks around toy store
destroying doll houses*
@itshotterhere: I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.
@UniqueDude2: ME: WOW! Bigfoot!
BIGFOOT: Hey Smallfoot
M: U call us Smallfoot?
BF: U have small feet
M: no, urs r big
BF: mine r normal
BF: see ya
@amishschool: Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying "keys" in case I thought they were llamas.
@lyric_intent: It doesn't matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.
@omgthatspunny: All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.