@RhinoUR: I'm Godzilla's gift to women!!!
*walks around toy store
destroying doll houses*
@TheToddWilliams: [Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
@jwoodham: Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
@Brampersandon_: *Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE'VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
@astutenewf: Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags?
Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.
@2tickytacky: Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.