*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
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teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.