I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
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Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.