I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
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Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?