I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
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Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.