THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
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Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.