I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
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“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.