I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
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(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
just witnessed a drug deal
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.