Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
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America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps