@lmwortho: I'm going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn't pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@atanya1111: Husband: are you cooking something? Me: of course not Husband: the oven timer just went off Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer
@JessicaVarsity: I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone's house on fire. Either way, I'm prepared.
@stonedcoldlazy: Things I've learned on Twitter: 1. A Twitter Crush is not a soft drink 2. Naps rule 3. Pants are optional 4. Everybody hates Nickelback
@pharmasean: My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person