@lmwortho: I'm going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn't pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
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@cepheusjackson: WIFE: Shouldn't you be at work? ME: I took care of it. BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it] Nice work today.
@topaz_kell: And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
@bridger_w: At my funeral, I'd like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
@MaraWilson: FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room? ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don't want to be