I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
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pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My diet starts in January
of 2027
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.