I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
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I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
🐕🍷
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.