I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
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I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him