I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
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Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
barbara was highly relatable
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.