@lisaxy424: I'm going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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@dlockw21: I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."
@Kali_Mura: Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my -- Satan: I have a girlfriend.
@okimstillhungry: I can't wait for thanksgiving. It's an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone's getting disowned.
@WilliamAder: Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month? Me: The package said "Take on an empty stomach" so, not yet.