@lisaxy424: I'm going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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@TheThryll: Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
@OneTrickTofani: *proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean* "I'll still marry you" No. I'm married to the sea now *dives in*
@KrunkedRobot: Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.