I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.