@lisaxy424: I'm going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself? ME: *don't let her know you're a delicious chocolate cake* Moist
@MaraWritesStuff: "You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands." *Lights another cigarette*
@KateWouldHaveIt: Me: <throws caution to the wind> Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
@SteveKoehler22: Vegetarians and vegans are admirable ...... but cannibals are the real humanitarians.