I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.