I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’m going to need a moment here.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”