@Westoff123: I'm going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint "Welcome to chicago" on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
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@LaceyNycole: Meteorologist: According to our facts, we'll have a longer winter- People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE Meterologist: But science People: NO
@thenatewolf: ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming. GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills
@matt___nelson: [Maroon 4 meeting] Adam Levine: "Our band name sucks" Drummer that no one knows the name of: "let's think bigger" Adam: "I've got it"
@BYGH: My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.