I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
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I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
every single time
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.