I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
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Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.