Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
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okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
My current situation
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.