I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
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I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers