It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
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The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub