@SamuelHLowe: I'm going to confess my love to this sore throat so it'll be gone when I wake up in the morning.
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@stacetoned: If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.
@BenBrouckaert: If there isn't a fireworks company whose slogan is "our business is booming," that seems like a real missed opportunity.
@Diversion50: [solicitor reading my will] "He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose], He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard".
@Tommytoughstuff: [job interview] "So what would you say is your biggest weakness?" "I'm pretty bad at reading situations." *tries to kiss interviewer*